A few thoughts about independence ... of your teenager

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Lexis,

 My son says he wants to be left alone and he avoids family time like it’s the plague. We would still like him to participate in family events, but right now it just feels like he’s constantly pushing us away. Is there anything you would suggest that can improve the situation?

Thanks,

           ~Troubled in Lacey

Dear Troubled,

While it’s not necessarily good news, there comes a time in all our lives when we feel the need to exert our independence. And on a day like today, the Independence Day of our country, we can understand why. Just like the USA did 246 years ago, we all reach a time when we need to step out into the world all on our own, no matter how challenging and difficult that may be.

It sounds like your son is doing the same thing. As parents, it can be difficult for us to let go of the reins and allow our children to step out of our protective embrace. At times, we may even do everything we can to keep our children protected, including trying to control their behavior.

However, your time as the teacher has largely passed now. And while there may still be lessons to teach in the future, they will differ in format (largely consisting of questions posed by your son).

Obviously, there are still some logistical issues (familial expectations, living arrangements, food). While we need to offer our children opportunities to become their own persons, we generally prefer to provide a safe, comfortable environment for them to return to when life gets to be a bit much.

So, as far as these issues are concerned, be very clear about what you expect. Consider the worst-case scenarios (often unplanned pregnancies when it comes to young people) and figure out what you would do if the worst comes to pass.

For example, while my daughter is still very young, if, in the future, she came home pregnant I would expect her to keep the baby and step up to take care of it. I would also expect her to speak with the father and state her own expectations of him.  Nothing really forces you to grow more than a child does, and, while high school would be a little early, I expect my children to take responsibility for their actions.

Responsibility can mean different things to different people, I would likely become a very active grandparent (possibly even adopt the baby if need be) whereas other parents believe that pregnancy means it’s time to push the baby bird from the nest. Both are valid options and, as parents, we must make our choice.

While I don’t generally tell people to think about the worst-case scenarios, knowing what you would do under those intense circumstances can provide a sense of clarity and security that may be missing right now. You worry that your son will make bad choices but planning what you would do, if that happens, will aid you as your son steps out into the world.

The time has come to watch your son take flight. He may fall a few times, such is the nature of learning, but take pride in the knowledge that you have made it this far. Trust that he has the skills to figure this out. State your expectations and the consequences for those expectations not being met. He may act out a bit, but treat him like an adult, with respect, and you’ll both make it through soon enough.

Happy Independence Day and good luck.

          ~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.   Got a question about life, relationships, spirit?  Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com