Do you want to be right or happy?

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Lexis,

Whenever we fight my wife often asks, “would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?” It’s effective at getting me to shut up, but I’m not sure I really get the point, why can’t you be right and happy? Why do people think these are mutually exclusive somehow?

Thanks,

Confused in Olympia

Dear Confused,

While I’ve heard this comment on occasion, I actually think it’s wrong. And while I appreciate the intent, it can lead to the kind of confusion that you’re experiencing. You can clearly be both right and happy, so the question that’s really being asked in instances like this is: “is it worth the argument?”

When someone says, “would you rather be right, or happy?” You can be pretty sure that what they are saying is that it’s not worth the fight in their eyes. And when it comes to the relationship between husband and wife, I would say that this is generally true. With the exception of the moral base you’re going to raise your children with or whether it’s okay to break societal rules in some fashion, most things aren’t worth fighting over.

That being said, the combative conversation format that most of us have been taught can be hard to resist. In general, we’re taught that anyone who holds a perspective that opposes our own, they are the enemy. It’s a simple conclusion, and it makes sense to some extent, but it often leads to communication problems and stagnated personal growth. 

Most couples don’t want to be in competition, they would rather embrace the power of interdependence. Still, when every relationship you’ve had follows the same pattern, it’s hard to figure out how to approach this new kind of connection. 

My guess is your wife is trying to embrace this kind of communication but doesn’t necessarily know how (that or she just wants you to stop talking). 

So, understanding this, now it’s your turn. Consider whether arguments are worth fighting about when they pop up. Often, the answer is likely no. Academic discussions of a subject are one thing, but when hurt feelings start to pop up, it’s often better to back away from the issue. This is what it means to choose to be “happy” rather than “right.”

The irony of this whole situation, though, is that if you know you’re right about something, why would you argue at all? For example, I’m a natural-born female, proven by my ability to have children. I doubt anyone could ever shake my belief in that. So, if someone came up to me and adamantly stated that I was a male, I’d probably just shake my head in bewilderment and walk away. And that’s usually how it goes with things that you “know.” 

Since it’s your wife, there may be a desire to educate or aid, and that’s wonderful, but keep in mind that if that is your desire, your number one priority should be not humiliating your wife in the process. We’re all wrong sometimes, and discovering our folly can be embarrassing, so the safer we are when that happens, the less traumatic it is overall. Additionally, by being understanding and kind, you’re doing what you can to prevent damage in your relationship. 

Hope this provides some clarity.

~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.  Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

EDITOR'S NOTE:  The opinions expressed above are those of Alexis Rae Baker and not necessarily of The JOLT or its staff or board of directors.