Advice from a Lexis

Give him time to come to you

Posted

Dear Lexis,

I’m worried. My husband has been really quiet and angry lately and I don’t know why. I keep asking him if something’s wrong but that just seems to piss him off even more. I don’t know what to do. I’m starting to wonder if there’s some bigger issue going on and it’s freaking me out. I worry that this could spell the end of our relationship if something doesn’t change soon. Do you have any advice on how I should proceed? I really don’t want to lose him.

Thanks,

          ~ Heart Broken

Dear Heart Broken,

I’m sorry you’re struggling so much lately; I know how frustrating it can be when you don’t understand why things have changed. And while I know that it’s hard not to worry in this type of situation, try to take some deep breaths and relax a bit.

From what I can see, you have two options right now; you can either keep questioning/trying to force a response, or you can trust that the explanations and answers will come in time. And while the first option may seem more appealing, as it will result in some kind of shift earlier, I would recommend choosing the second for the sake of your relationship’s health.

We generally want to take action when we are feeling uneasy. Action gives us a way to channel the nerves and helps us feel like we are making progress. However, we may not know the full story and, by taking action too early, we wind up causing damage when we didn’t need to.

Additionally, we often assume that whatever is going wrong, especially in our relationships, is innately our fault. This allows us the opportunity to take action again, but discounts the possibility that the other person has something else going on. Sometimes these subtle shifts that seem so drastic to us are nothing more than momentary distraction or hormone shifts.

Because we cannot know the reason behind this change, it’s often best to allow the other person to come to you when they are ready. It’s frustrating, I know, but by allowing your husband time to process, you are showing him that you trust and respect him and his need for space. You may also find that, in the processing time, your own perspective will shift and you will get a better view of what’s been going on.

In my own life, I have discovered many occasions where I totally misinterpreted what was going on. For example, I struggle to maintain a life in a standard job, I find myself depressed and agitated within six months without reason. I often feel like I’m less available for the people I care about and my relationships are my number one focus.

So, when other people talk about not liking their job, I insert my own interpretation into their statement and I often encourage them to leave their job or find something else. I am oddly comfortable with uncertainty in my life though, so while this advice works well for me, it can lead to huge problems for other people because they no longer have the security they’ve come to rely on.

It can be so tempting to interpret the behavior of another through our own lens and, especially when it comes to relationships, we have a strong desire to fix problems before they get worse. And while there could be some kind of underlying issue going on, at this moment it might be best to trust that your husband will come to you when he feels ready to talk. Trust in the relationship you have built and do what you can to express your love and support of him.

Things may change, there isn’t much to be done about that, but by approaching the situation with an open, clear mind, you’re more likely to mitigate the potential fallout. So, as much as you want answers, and as much as you want to act, at this moment I would recommend working on you first so that you can be fully present when the answers come.

Good luck,

          ~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker, who writes from her home in Olympia.  What would you like to ask her to comment about?  Write to her at Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

Comments

No comments on this item Please log in to comment by clicking here