How to share disappointing news with your spouse

Dear Lexis,

I’ve been talking with my wife about leaving my job for a while; however, the other day something happened at work and I decided to put in my notice. We didn’t plan on me leaving just yet and I know that she had some ideas for better timing, but I just couldn’t stand to stay any longer. How do I tell her about my decision? She’s going to be so disappointed, but it’s not like I can hide it for very long. 

What kind of advice do you have for my situation?

Thanks,

          ~ Worried

Dear Worried,

In these situations, honesty is definitely the best policy. Given your previous discussions with your wife, I doubt her reaction will be as bad as you fear, but I would expect some kind of negative reaction nonetheless. You may take some comfort in the knowledge that I don’t see this as a particularly large roadblock for your relationship. Generally, the major roadblocks are a result of dishonesty instead of the actual events (take infidelity for example). Given your desire to tell her the truth, it seems likely that you’ll be able to move past this in relatively short order.

As for how to start the conversation, I recommend statements like: “I did something a little impulsive today” or “you know how we’ve been discussing me leaving work?” Keep it light if you can but stay humble. She may not like the news, but by approaching it in this manner, she’s more likely to be annoyed rather than scared or angry.

Setting up a conversation like this can also be lightened by doing something you know she would like beforehand. Maybe cook dinner, or even take her out, do some cleaning, really whatever she views as important and essential. If you ease the burden she will be grateful.

I would recommend having this conversation alone, when you are both free of distractions. For this reason, I suggest having the conversation outside the house.

It’s okay to be nervous and unsure. This isn’t a conversation you necessarily want to have but, in my experience, any challenging conversation is better handled early on. By confronting the elephant in the room right away, you won’t have a bunch of time to play out all the worst-case scenarios in your head. The less upset you are, the less upset she is going to be; people tend to play off each other’s emotions.

If you’ve already spent a significant amount of time building it up, take some time to meditate. It’s amazing what a five- or 15-minute session can do to improve things. With you more relaxed, you’re more likely to react well to whatever scenario is thrown at you.

The last piece of advice I have is about the potential loose ends. Given you already intended on leaving, it’s less likely you haven’t considered the repercussions but, if things aren’t quite as together as you’d initially planned, you might take some time to figure out a game plan. See what you can come up with for potential solutions in any avenues where you’re job was once required. Finances are perhaps the most obvious issue here.

If you’re planning on getting another job, make sure you’ve got your resume up to date; if you’re planning on starting a business, maybe look into some educational sources on business planning, marketing or product development. (The Thurston Economic Development Council’s Center for Business & Innovation has some great no-cost and low-cost programs.)

Whatever the next step is, take some time now to think about how you’re going to move forward and have those plans present when you talk with your wife.

All in all, just remember that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes things happen in ways we don’t expect them to, but by trusting that something better is around the corner, you’re preparing yourself to handle the transition with ease and grace.

Best of luck,

          ~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker, who writes from her home in Olympia.  What would you like to ask her to comment about?  Write to her at Lexis@theJOLTnews.com