Is it a challenge for you to ask for help?

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Lexis,

I’ve been trying to declutter my house for the last few weeks, but I’ve determined that I can’t tackle the project alone. I hold too much sentiment to things and I need someone who will, essentially, force my hand. I have some people in mind, but I find myself reluctant to ask for help. Any advice on how I can move past this mental block?

Thanks,

          ~ Reluctant

 Dear Reluctant,

I can certainly relate here, it’s something that I’ve struggled with for years myself. I recently read an article on the subject though, which I found useful:  “How to ask for help (and not feel bad about it)” by Andrea Ayres-Deets.

Ayres-Deets suggests that there are three main reasons for our unwillingness to ask for help, but I personally think there are five that need to be considered. I’ll start with a bit about the article’s reasons and then explain my additions after.

1. Fear of appearing weak

This one makes a lot of sense to me, especially as someone who has always been independent; I have a strong desire to prove that I don’t need anyone else.

This tends to be a pretty common reaction in people and, as a result, we often shy away from asking for help. However, for most of the goals you have, other people are essential and required.

Try shifting your perspective, if this is one of your hang ups. We are social creatures who need each other and you recognizing your own inadequacies and compensating for them with help is actually a sign of strength rather than weakness.

2. Fear of being a burden

This is a big one for me. As a writer, financial contribution is my biggest challenge. I offer my aid to those who need it, but find it challenging to keep motivated to help when I cannot make ends meet as a consequence. But, even at $5 a month, I often feel like I’m causing readers undo strain.

Combat this by shifting perspective toward a more abundant attitude. People genuinely love you and want to see you living a joyous life. Their aid isn’t being offered out of pity, but rather from love and a generous spirit.

3. Fear of being indebted

This refers primarily to the fear that someone else will come at you with a guilt trip if you accept help from them.

Recognizing that asking for help does not innately carry a debt is a big step in the right direction. While it is kind to “return the favor,” keep in mind that it is not necessary. You’re willingness to help another should not be predicated by debt, but rather by love, and the same goes in reverse.  

4. Feeling you should suffer more

This is the first addition to the list, and perhaps the primary reason for my own resistance. My primary ask is for financial contribution, but it’s hard for me to bring myself to ask for help when it seems like my efforts, and suffering, don’t match those of another. I cannot generate a livable wage without the help of contributors, but it seems selfish to ask for money when my suffering seems so low comparatively.

To combat this line of thinking, you have to recognize that asking for help, or compensation, doesn’t require suffering. Two people in the same situation will react differently. Some are better at dealing with the stress that cripples others.

5. Fear of rejection

We often fear hearing the words “no” when we ask others for aid. It can feel like a slap in the face, or even cause hopelessness when we don’t get the aid we need. Assuming that the no is coming, we often try to avoid the pain of rejection entirely, and thereby take the entire project on ourselves.

Combating this line of thinking, consider that by never asking you will never get a “yes” either. That’s the trade off. If you really need help, than you may need to ask multiple people for aid; nine might say no, but the tenth will probably say yes.

Hopefully, you’ve learned a little something about what might be holding you back from asking for help. And while the work to shift your challenging beliefs may take time, at least you have somewhere to start now. Just having the knowledge has helped me shift some perspectives dramatically.

Best of luck!

          ~Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker, who writes from her home in Olympia.  What would you like to ask her to comment about?  Write to her at Lexis@theJOLTnews.com