Advice from a Lexis

Reader seeks better relationship with father

Posted

Dear Lexis,

My dad and I have had a challenging relationship for my entire life. I've been trying to improve things for years but it doesn't seem to get any better. Do you have any advice about what I should do differently?

Thanks,

          ~ Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

I understand how challenging this situation must be for you, especially when it involves a parent. At times like this, you really wish you could change other people. Unfortunately, the only person you can change is yourself. Keeping this truth in mind, you still have a couple of options.

  1. Accept that this is how it is and will always be

This is perhaps the easiest option as it doesn't require anything except acceptance on your part. That said, learning to accept someone, flaws and all, isn't always easy.

If the problems you experience with your dad are primarily irritants, this is the option I suggest. The best way to go about accepting those irritating habits is to utilize the mantra, "he is who he is." Repeat this phrase whenever you find yourself annoyed by something he does and, in time, you'll stop noticing those things are refocus on the positive aspects of your relationship.

  1. Discuss and work toward change

If your problems are more severe, if they cause issues or create barriers in your life, then I always recommend starting with a conversation. I know these conversations aren't easy, but it's worth the effort, especially if you're thinking of cutting someone out of your life.

Generally, you'll want to talk about the issue with specific examples and utilize "I" statements. An example, "I feel dismissed and devalued when you say 'I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it' because it sounds like you think I'm an easily replaceable commodity."

Be prepared for a defensive reaction, or justification, and make sure your state that you aren't trying to blame, but rather explain your reaction and work toward a more beneficial behavior for both of you. You can ask him to try to stop or ask for patience as you work to shift your response. If he agrees to work on the issue, together you can create a better relationship.

  1. Cut ties

I highly recommend trying the first two methods before resorting to this option as it's likely to destroy any relationship you do have. But, if you can't ignore the problem and the other person is unwilling to work with you to fix it, this may be your only option if you hope to be a healthy person.

It can be hard to know when to cut ties, and that uncertainty would be much worse with a parent, but if you've done everything you can to improve the situation you can feel safe in your decision.

Cutting ties is fairly simple to do action-wise: stop talking to or seeing the person. Of course, this can be very challenging emotionally. I don’t believe any well-adjusted person wants to hurt another, so intentionally cutting ties with someone could cause you to feel guilt or sadness. You are allowed to mourn the loss, let yourself feel what you need to feel and allow yourself time to heal. Soon enough things will even out and you'll find yourself in a better place knowing you did the right thing for yourself and the other people in your life.

Learning how to handle different relationships is a challenge and it requires a lot of courage and strength to stand up for what you need, but you'll be better off overall if you do what you can to get the kind of relationship you want.

We all want to feel loved and supported by our parents, but they don't always know what's best for us. Sometimes behaviors, taken with the best of intentions, wind up causing shame, or feelings of judgment, for the receiver. Keep this in mind and go into every interaction with an open heart. Set yourself up for the best outcome, know that you did everything you could, and keep your head held high no matter the result.

Best of luck,

          ~ Lexis

Alexis Baker writes from her home in Olympia.  Write to her at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

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