Relationships are ongoing – create your security through communication

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Lexis,

I recently started dating someone again. After my last relationship, it became painfully obvious that I needed to take some time and work on myself. I thought that I worked through everything, but now that I’m in a relationship, I find that all the same insecurities are popping back up again. I’m plagued by the fear that he’s cheating on me, even though I have no evidence to support that claim. I know that I’m being paranoid, but I just can’t figure out how to not freak out about the possibility. Any suggestions?

Thanks,

Insecure in Lacey

Dear Insecure,

I’m sorry you’re struggling so much with this. I first want to assure you that the work you spent improving yourself is not time wasted. There are just some things that have to be worked out “in the trenches.” Insecurity in a relationship is a prime example of this. 

Even after years of meditation, education, and personal development, I also suffered from insecurity when I met my husband (I still do at times). We desperately want this person to like and love us, but because we can’t read their thoughts, we tend to be wracked with fear that they don’t (even if they say that they do). 

If you’ve been cheated on in the past, this fear and insecurity tend to be much worse because now you have legitimate proof that you weren’t reading the situation correctly. Additionally, often, people find out about the cheating and say things like “I never liked that guy,” “boys will be boys,” or similarly sympathetic and yet damaging statements. 

Essentially, as people try to help us feel better, they tend to use words that equate to “the signs were there from the start; you should have known.” 

Truth be told, people do change, and when you love someone, you believe fully in their ability to be the best version of themselves. It’s a beautiful thing. We’ve all done things in the past that we aren’t proud of, and these mistakes can plague us for the rest of our lives. Imagine if we were all judged based on the mistakes of the past. 

People get desperate, and people make mistakes. We say things we don’t mean, hurt our closest friends and family members, and fall short. That is a part of the development process. Some make the mistake of cheating. However, even though these mistakes do occur, it does not help for you to expect them too. 

If you expect your significant other to cheat, they likely will, either because they feel like you aren’t fully present or because you’re actually attracting cheaters by expecting relationships to play out this way. 

By taking the time to work through your past relationships, I doubt the second one is the case. So now you have to determine what type of relationship you want. Are you okay with being in a relationship where you’re constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for the next shoe to drop, or do you want to be in a relationship where you trust your partner and can be fully open, present, and connected?

If you want the second, it just becomes a matter of practice. What would someone who trusts in their relationship do? What do you need to feel more secure and safe? Have you tried talking through your fears?

Oftentimes, you’ll discover that your partner is struggling with similar fears, and this realization can bring you closer. By expressing your worry and by discovering their worry, you can start to see yourself through their eyes and trust that they genuinely do care about you. 

Angus and I have both expressed our worry that the other might just walk out one day. It’s unjustified fear, but through the discussion, we both get a better glimpse of how much the other one cares. And the more we can see each other through each other’s eyes, the less fear comes up. 

It’s a process and takes time, but if you put in the work and continue to communicate, you’ll soon discover a new level of connection you never knew you could have. 

All my best wishes to you in this relationship. 

~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia. Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  mailto:Lexis@theJOLTnews.com.