Dear Lexis,
People seem really concerned about this whole Ukraine-Russia War, so I feel bad that I don’t really care. Should I care about this more, or is okay that I don’t?
Thanks,
~ Indifferent in Lacey
Dear Indifferent,
I don’t think you should care. But, before everyone starts chiming in, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t care about the well-being of others. Rather, what I am saying, is that our focus on the suffering of others will not help them to improve their situation.
Objectively, it’s always been strange to me that we encourage people to feel negative about someone else’s pain. We seem to think that by suffering in a similar fashion, we are somehow better people. But, given how negative emotions lead to more unpleasant situations, this philosophy seems flawed. To paraphrase my advisor, Abraham Hicks, you cannot suffer enough to make someone else well.
That said, it can be hard not to feel guilt over not sharing in this pain. People tend to fall into two categories when it comes to popular news subjects like this: the activists and the busy people. Activists take it upon themselves to speak about and fight against the pain whereas the busy people tend to focus on the issues going on in their own lives.
If you’re suffering from guilt, I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that I also fall into the busy person sector. And while a new mom with a 6-month-old may be justified in not following or caring about the news, I would have fallen into this category anyway.
I believe that I make a bigger difference by making sure that I’m being the best person that I can be than I do by looking at how other people aren’t being their best selves. That’s what war is, after all, it’s the expression of someone’s insecurity (generally in the form of greed). We all probably want to see an end to war or any form of suffering, but the question is how do we go about making such a reality happen?
Usually, we try to fight for something better, which actually adds to the problem. We tell those we feel have the wrong perspective that they are wrong;we claim our perspective as correct and unflawed. Unfortunately, no one sees the world objectively, and therefore every perspective is flawed in some way.
While I understand the desire to punish those in the wrong, this dynamic inherently leads to two opposing sides (a mini form of war). So, as much as people hate it, the way to a peaceful, caring world is through acceptance. Acceptance of ourselves, of others, and of the rights others have to hold differing perspectives.
The best thing that we can do for ourselves and for the world is to learn to accept our differences and expect those around us to be understanding and accepting as well. Not through punishing those who fail to do so, but by asking them questions and encouraging them to look at any given situation through multiple lenses.
We need to start recognizing that there is value in every perspective.
Including the perspective that you shouldn’t have to care about something happening on the other side of the world. People may think you’re doing the wrong thing, but who is it helping when you worry? I can’t tell that it helps anyone, but it does harm you. I would never encourage someone to self-harm, especially when it comes to saving face in a judgmental society. You are not a bad person for not giving your attention to the suffering of others; you’re just more focused on making a difference where you can, in your own life.
Best wishes and good luck,
~ Lexis
Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia. Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at Lexis@theJOLTnews.com
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Alangl
What incredible naivete! Why should we care if a nuclear power like Russia invades a neighboring state and destroys it's democracy? You think this ends with Ukraine? Take the trouble to learn about the second WW. That attitude led to the death of at at least 60 million people. And it could have been far worse but for the bravery and sacrifice of the British, Canadian, Australian, and American fighting men.
Alan Longmuir
Tuesday, March 1, 2022 Report this
Concerned
It's called empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. A toddler sees another fall and cry. He gives his friend a hug.
Tuesday, March 1, 2022 Report this
Amandalosey
What a weird way to tell people it’s okay to lack empathy. I have been reading this part of the newspaper but this column made me absolutely certain I do not want to read any more of this woman’s opinions. Maybe the JOLT can someday find an advice columnist who has more empathy, as I feel it’s kind of important when giving advice to others!
Tuesday, March 1, 2022 Report this
KerriG
Dear Lexis and Indifferent on the war. Can I add a different perspective on this as someone with a lot of gray hair and as someone who has seen her fair share of history. Everyday events happen in the world and it is impossible to care about everything. But there are times when the world changes and it is important to pay attention. This way you will be able to understand better the events that may have an impact on your life. Just as Covid killing people in China changed the world. Russia invading Ukraine may be one of those events. No one knows what is going to happen here except a lot of suffering and death that you and I, probably, will not be able to do much about. But the world has changed and it is going to impact you. At the very least gas prices are going to go up. At the very worst we are taking on a county that has the largest stockpile of nuclear weapons in the world. Since Washington State is home to the Trident Nuclear Submarine base in Bangor, Joint Base Lewis/ McChord, a Navy base in Bremerton, Boeing, Microsoft, and other strategic targets, some of those nuclear weapons are pointed at us. Let hope it never comes to that. So Indifferent. My suggestion to you is find someway to understand the overall big picture of these events. Like watching the movie instead of having to read the whole book. Just so that when you are impacted by these events you understand them. Like when you have to pay higher gas prices because the people in Europe make the huge sacrifice of cutting off cheap gas imports from Russia and start buying gas from the same countries we do. I am a long time political activist. In so I find when I can make sense of world events I am somewhat more in control of things and I can make better decisions about my actions.
Tuesday, March 1, 2022 Report this
Merlyn
I believe this particular article has incited the most diverse "public" commentary I personally have seen for a Lexis column. My mind, heart, and temper ran thru a HUGE gambit of emotions.... starting with the initial question, then big roller- coaster waves thru all the commentary.
I think folks need to look at the question itself: "should I care?" Maybe the person who wrote- in that question feels "indifferent" because a) shock; this can't be happening ; b) they can't advise, or in any way, affect the courses of militaristic action; c) they can't directly "help". At all. And sometimes "indifference" is the brain shutting down before it melts down.
The shizzle is a very recent development.
Its's real life; not war- mongering on a Cinemax big screen staring Bruce Willis.
Most US citizens are young. Even the overwhelming majority of folks on social security are still too young to have memories of being DIRECTLY exposed to war. And I don't mean threats of war (including building bomb shelters in the back yard), I mean the real deal.
US residents are, yet again, basically protected. Our sea to shining sea land mass is physically isolated from the rest of the world.
Not many folks are prepared for ugly truth. What can we, as individuals, do? Get mad? Riot? Protest? Ask the governor to pull "Russian products" off of grocery shelves as was done in Texas? Send goodie packages?
Should we, 340 million US citizens unite and demand that our president threaten to launch OUR nukes? (Surely, as THE only country in the world that has EVER deployed nuclear warhead(S) deliberately on civilization, it's a given that the US does NOT bluff, right?? )
It's been 45 years since I've fired an M16. Should I take the next flight out, point and shoot at a young Russian soldier who really doesn't want to fire weapons in what may well have been, or is, familial stomping grounds?
Just think how folks of Russian and/or Ukrainian descent, that live, work, teach, are students, pay taxes, in other countries, besides "the homelands", are "super-stuck"... frustrated, embarrassed, mad as hornets, and worried sick.
None of the above, not even empathy, provides any true tangible "help". At this point, anyway.
We, the majority of us in the US, in the world, may never be able to directly help.
But a BIG shout-out to tech- savvy folks who are fighting a battle in a new-age way!!! You all ROCK!!
Friday, March 4, 2022 Report this
AlexisBaker
To anyone who feels more judgment and guilt after reading some of the comments on this article:
Please know that you are not a bad person for choosing your wellness right now.
The fear and stress that a focus on this war can cause are likely to lead to physical ailments over time and I do not expect you to self-harm and commend you for putting yourself first. This is a difficult situation and I hope you can find some comfort in the fact that I stand behind your decision.
Additionally, remember that your pain does not help anyone.
Please don't feel like you should be suffering in order to be a good person. Choosing to focus on yourself and your family does not mean that you lack empathy, it just means that you're taking responsibility for your own wellbeing. You cannot help another if you are unwell, so don't feel guilt over choosing not to focus on current world events.
*Marlyn, thank you for your understanding.
Saturday, March 12, 2022 Report this
AugieH
A previous comment included a statement so mindless it beggars belief:
"US residents are, yet again, basically protected. Our sea to shining sea land mass is physically isolated from the rest of the world."
Where has the writer of this been for the past six decades, in a coma? I can think of at least three unfriendly nations out there that can vaporize us with nukes by just pushing buttons.
I was born almost 4 years after the end of the last two-front war. God help us if the war in Europe escalates to the point of a NATO-Russia conflict and then China, seeing the U.S. otherwise occupied, makes a move on Taiwan.
Saturday, March 12, 2022 Report this