Dear Lexis,
My wife keeps telling me that I need to stand up for myself more.
After reading your article last week, about how to prep for a confrontation, I thought I would reach out and ask why you think standing up for yourself is so important. I don’t understand why people think I need to create problems where there aren’t any, but the subject keeps coming up.
~ Pacifist
Dear Pacifist,
While I do understand the desire to keep others happy, it may not be true that there is no problem.
People don’t tend to suggest changes without reason. Whenever I’ve made this suggestion, it’s because I believe someone’s life would be improved when they face whatever issue is facing them and because I’m tired of hearing the same complaint over and over again. This may not be your wife’s reason, so I suggest you ask her if you want specifics. Several problems occur when problem points aren’t dealt with, though.
The first issue you’re likely to face is a personal one and very subtle. By not sticking up for yourself and your needs, you devalue yourself. Over time, this behavior erodes your sense of self-worth, and people will quickly start to take advantage of you (you won’t say no, so there’s no risk in asking). Because people are taking advantage, you now have a whole slew of situations where you need to stand up for yourself and a compounding devaluation if you don’t. The longer you put it off, the harder it is to change the system and express your own needs and desires.
As the problem progresses, you’re likely to develop another issue, chronic anger. However, it’s not just the anger that’s a problem; it’s the tendency to ignore said anger. Because the anger demands an outlet, and you don’t want to confront the cause, you will likely continue to suppress the anger until it manifests externally (usually in an unpleasant circumstance or illness). As time goes on, you may find it harder and harder to find happiness or let go of the new anger habit.
With so much anger buried inside, it’s nearly impossible not to lash out. If it’s not safe to approach the actual cause, you’ll likely lash out at those you are most comfortable around (spouses being top of the list). And while there may be legitimacy behind any fights that break out, such conflicts are generally much worse than they need to be. Enough exaggerated confrontation, and your loved ones might decide to make some changes. If they can’t confront you, the cycle starts for them; if they can engage you and nothing changes, you may lose the people you care about most.
While this process may take years, it’s still a dangerous game to play. It’s often easier to make changes for the sake of another though, so if you fear that you might be on this path, you can lean on the knowledge that you’re helping the people you care about by standing up for yourself; you benefiting can just be a perk.
It may not be fun and it may not be easy, but it is worth it. If you feel like this is a change you need to make, I commend you on your effort and bravery.
Best of luck,
~ Lexis
Alexis Rae Baker writes from her home in Olympia. Write to her at Lexis@theJOLTnews.com
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