No one told me terrible things happen (to people like me) in churches. But through social and cultural osmosis, that's exactly what I'd picked up, which is why I've never gone near a church. When tasked with writing a church guide, I was nervous. But I love a good journalism challenge, and I'm happy I overcame my fear and walked into the lion's den. It turned out the lions were just kindhearted people. I learned a lot. I even made a few friends.
1. Capital Christian Center (4431 Martin Way East, former movie theater site)
Pastor Dave is waving his arms. He's giving a passionate sermon on the merits of obedience. Then, seemingly contradicting the theme, he begs, "Please someone get Pentecostal on me. Everyone is acting way too Presbyterian.”
I blanch. My church ignorance is deeper than I thought. I've heard these words before, but I have no idea what they mean. The congregation may be in a similar state. Pastor Dave waits. Aside from the noise of eyes blinking, there's nothing.
He clears his throat, looks down at his shoes and continues talking about the importance of respecting authority, "God has a sweet spot for those who bend to His will," He explains how when people are jerks to other people, they always have one thing in common — disrespect for leadership. I'm thinking there was a recent church coup attempt. The piano starts. Six people step on stage, each holding a cordless mic. They start to sing. One is dressed in camouflage. There's a drummer inside a large fish tank.
Looking down at the sloped floor, I realize I’m sitting in the very same seat where, 26 years ago, I first watched "The Phantom Menace."
2. Olympia Church of Christ (3132 Boulevard Road SE)
This 60s modern church, which looks like The Simpson's cartoon one, is surrounded by a sea of manicured grass. Less than a minute after finding a seat in the pews, I’m surrounded by a swarm of warm, friendly congregants. Everyone wants to shake my hand, including Pastor Dan. He's been here for a long time, and everyone else has too. I'm so curious. The building is so blatantly plain. I ask them to tell me what's special about this church. Their answers include repeat words: easy, basics and straight. I get the impression my first impression is correct. This is the church of Ned Flanders and consistency. It would be a good church for a spy who needed to blend in.
3. Olympia Christian Reformed Church (2121 Log Cabin Road SE)
Everyone is standing at their seats. A seven-person band is playing intensely pleading Christian rock with a conga player drumming out a hypnotic beat. After this goes on for what feels to me like way too long, I leave.
I go over to the only other person in the lobby, a frustrated-looking older woman with a name tag that identifies her as a greeter. I stand next to her, but she doesn't greet me. She's focused on her clipboard, a head count tally. I ask, "How's it coming?" Wordlessly, she raises a finger and continues counting. The count isn't going well. She's lost count. I ask, "Maybe I can help?" Then she realizes she hasn't counted me.
The band wraps up. The pastor hands the mic to a subordinate and walks out. He passes me in the lobby and enters the restroom. Afterward, I say hello, but instead of saying hi, he apologizes. He has to go do something.
I go back to the greeter. She's given up on the head count. She greets me and asks if I'm new. Before I answer, she jokes, "You're not a reporter?" I tell her I'm a reporter. She explains that this is a Calvinist Church and she's been a Calvinist all her life. Her parents were too. Like a lot of this congregation, she grew up in a Dutch-American family. She's from the Dutch-heavy town of Linden.
After the service wraps up, I talk to a few others, but no one comes over to me. The only ones I talk to are ones I initiate a conversation with, and that’s after breaking through a hard layer of distraction. Once you get them talking, they're perfectly friendly, but there's not much eye contact. They all seem focused on something happening in another room.
This is quite the follow-up church. On the outside it looks similar, has a similar name, and it’s in the same neighborhood, but inside, the vibe couldn't be more different.
4. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (3800 Henderson Blvd. SE)
There isn't a sign outside this church, but when I walk in, my first question ("What is this?") never gets out. I’m stunned. Everyone in the crowded lobby is impossibly beautiful. The women look like Taylor Swift. The children look like porcelain figurines with rosy cheeks. While the men are all strikingly handsome, they still look like they dated up.
I'm dressed in my Sunday best, but I feel like I should have worn my Sunday betters. The healthiest man I've ever seen is coming over. I can't do it. I apologize. I duck down a deserted hallway. I find a painting of a man with a white mullet wearing a worn out poncho punching a cardboard box with both fists. The scene makes no sense, but I find courage in his coarse appearance, muttering to myself, 'Guys like us, right?' But even the man in the painting seems to disagree with me as I take a selfie.
Photo taken at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which is located at 3800 Henderson Blvd SE in Olympia.
Courtesy of David Scherer Water
I continue down the empty hall and enter the sanctuary through a back door. The services haven't started yet. More gorgeous people are milling around. The men all have perfect slacks. It looks so much like the online store for Men's Warehouse that I keep looking for an "add to cart" button. I'm not normally shy, but talking to these dazzling monsters is just out of the question. They're glowing with a hot white fire that leaves me feeling self-conscious and grotesque.
I stay on the periphery. A few minutes pass. I spot a man with acne and we shake hands. He can tell I'm nervous. He gives me a little tour. It's interrupted a few times by handshakes with members of the caucasianal star set. He tells me that Mormonism is still one of the fastest growing religions in America. They have a whopping 14 congregations in Thurston County. Most of these take turns using the same building. This one has three congregations, which are called wards. When we figure out that I live in the 4th Ward I'm invited to stay, but I can't. I need to make an appointment with a plastic surgeon.
5. Saint Michael's Catholic Church (1055 Boundary St. SE)
Saint Mike's is offering a new member orientation today with a man named Mike leading the tour. A dozen people are waiting for it to start. I chat with Mike who tells me, "What makes Saint Mike's different is community: a stronger sense of one, a lot stronger than ________ or ________." He names the competition.
When the tour starts, Mike tells us that Saint Mike's started in the 1840s at what is now Squaxin Island Park. As if it's a shame they changed the name, under his breath he says it used to be called Priest Point Park.
Photo taken at Saint Michael's Catholic Church, which is located at 1055 Boundary St. SE in Olympia.
Courtesy of David Scherer Water
There's a new pastor named Father John Patrick. The last pastor just passed away. Mike shows us The Tabernacle. We're not allowed to talk here. Mike speeds us by a few niches and alcoves located around the nave. There's a chancel with a narthex, a transept with a shrine and every shrine has a saint.
Mike says people are asking too many questions about the names of things. I think he means me. I think I'm in trouble. We reach the sacristy, and the sacristan comes out to say hi. Mike hurries everyone to the confessional, but the sacristan points to a cabinet behind the robes. It's where he keeps the ciborium and thuribles. I want to see inside his drawers, but I need to catch up with the tour.
I miss the confessional. Mike’s already at Saint Joseph's, a side chapel that's open 24/7 and from there we reach a plain conference room. I'm given a large white box. I'm nervous about it. What does it mean? They won't say what's inside yet. I pass mine to the person to my right while Mike goes to get more. I say I'll be right back, but I don't come back. It's a hard choice. I'm so curious about what's in those boxes. A thurible? I'll never know.
6. Saint Martin's Abbey (5000 Abbey Way SE)
Based on Mike's comments, I'm not going to check out ________ or ________, but I think I need a second (Catholic) opinion. So, I cross town to Saint Martin's Abbey.
The service has already started. The lobby is empty aside from a character dressed like a medieval friar in a burlap habit. I immediately sense that he's not an actor, but fully immersed in a mission of enchantment. I once heard that some of these guys take vows of silence, so when he greets me by only raising his eyebrows, I do the same.
As I pass from lobby to sanctuary, I encounter another hermit in a bag and rope outfit. My preference would be to take a seat near the back, but he wordlessly compels me to an open spot deep in the pews. I'm somehow unable to resist. I sit where he tells me.
The large square room is decorated with ornate, long hanging tapestries. One has my name on it. An ashen man in heavy black robes gets behind the pulpit bearing a strong resemblance to the old priest from "The Exorcist."
His sermon keeps coming back to the role of The Visitor — a stranger who represents an encounter with Christ. People start looking at me as the priest loudly proclaims, "The one who comes knocking at your door, has something to tell you." What? It seems like they all want me to say something, but I'm speechless.
Photo taken at Saint Martin's Abbey, which is located at 5000 Abbey Way SE in Lacey.
Courtesy of David Scherer Water
The guy next to me has stopped breathing and the sermon concludes mid-sentence with a sudden "God bless you."
A new priest steps up. He offers a prayer for pregnancy. A woman sitting two rows ahead of me turns around and stares hard at me. Is this flirting?
An elderly monk stooped over likely from osteoporosis, prepares a silver tray covered in wires and Doritos, tongs and a tiny cordless drill. All the hermits gather in a circle like Dark Crystal skeksis. Smoke is coming from a steel birdhouse on a chain. The tallest one swings it at me. The woman who smiled at me starts shaking. The man next to me is breathing again, but now he's waving a hand at empty space. Then everyone is suddenly on their knees.
There's been a call for the intercession. Everyone seems to know what this means. As they get up to do something, they’re singing about blood and wine. I can't hear all the lyrics, but there's a lion and a dragon, a tiger and a lamb, then a pause. Everything is mysteriously silent.
When the service ends, I get outside and spend a minute looking at a large Japanese lantern. After I regain my normal poise, I speak to one of the monks. He explains how the work of the monastery largely circles around the sacrament, the core part of the communion, which is the main part of the mass, which lays at the heart of the liturgy. My head is spinning, so I whisper a dizzy thank you and go over to a different monk.
This is Father Neal, who up until recently was the Abbot of the Abbey. He first became a monk when he was 19. Now he's 87. There's something more accessible about him. He explains things to me in plain language. I wouldn't say much of it makes a ton of sense, but it makes a lot more. After a while, he asks me about myself. I tell him that I'm involved at my shul. That's when he tells me that he's Jewish. You could knock me over with a feather. He tells me a little about his journey to this spot. I invite him to come to the shul. I'm certain we’d take him back.
7. First United Methodist Church of Olympia (1224 Legion Way SE)
What a moment to drop in on. Just as I walk into the service already in progress, a 5-foot-wide rainbow beach ball drops from the mezzanine. It's being bopped around by a mostly elderly congregation. Before I sit, a second one is dropped. There's a prayer said for the few kids present. They're reading about the story of Jonah. There's some truly beautiful stained glass. On my way out, I speak to the three administrators hanging around in the office. They all seem non-heteronormative, a contrast to this generally normative congregation.
8. Reality Church (1522 4th Ave. E)
Inside this lovely brick church is a sylvan wood beam vaulted ceiling. Connor is having a baptism. I don't think it's his first. There's a portable pool. Pastor Paul asks us to, "Pray for Connor, who is off to college this month, and pray for Connor's roommates, and that Connor finds a community to pray with that brings him closer to you." The baptism is beautiful, and I’m moved to tears by it. I recall its ancient origins and how it was a central part of the spiritual practices of my ancestors until it became more a Christian thing. Some churches, including this one, make it hard to tell what movement (if any) they're associated with. Pastor Paul seems cool with his sneakers and maroon hoodie. I shake hands with him, but he seems distracted and has to go do something.
9. Risen Faith Fellowship (2129 4th Ave. E)
This is where The Olympia Film Society started. Today the church is largely deserted. There are eight of us. I'm the only white person. Everyone else is Black. A guy in the back keeps shouting "yes!" and "amen!" and "yeah!" The pastor is an old lady. She isn't making a lot of sense to me, but I love her voice. The sanctuary is lit by three large fluorescent light fixtures. One is flickering. There are other signs of deferred maintenance, but I feel completely at ease, and almost at home.
Conclusion
Relaxing my lifelong Jesus embargo didn't make me a believer. In fact, some of what I experienced was a little disturbing. But nobody harassed me and everyone I met was very kind. I always left having learned something, and I always left. Leaving was my favorite part — leaving with my soul intact, which turned out to be less fragile than I feared. I never appreciated freedom of religion more than this week. I'm looking forward to visiting our remaining 291 churches.
David Scherer Water's previous projects include leading a cult for six years under the name Fezdak Clamchopbreath, running a burnt toast business, and hosting a satirical New Age guided meditation series that got accidentally sponsored by Pfizer. Beyond his creative work, David is employed, sober, has good friends and is the chair of the safety committee at his shul. Discover more of his work here.
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JW
This is the first DSW article I've ever clicked on, much less read, and it was truly entertaining.
Friday, September 26 Report this
TurninginTumwater
Interesting details of David's visits to local houses of worship. Curious that he was put off by the attention or indifference or clothes, or even music. Appears that his sole focus is his own life.
►No mention why so many fellow worshipers gather in our various places: to give honor and glory and thanks to our merciful loving Father in Heaven. As we know we called to be part of His eternal family, we enjoy gathering with our loving brothers & sisters in Christ. Isaiah 9:6-7, Ephesians 2:13-22.
Friday, September 26 Report this
Dorothygist
I love David’s reporting on the various niche’s in our town. This was refreshing in that David doesn't know church lingo or culture and thus writes about what he sees and experiences like a visitor from a foriegn land.
Saturday, September 27 Report this
hptrillium
David,
Please visit the Olympia Friends Meeting (Quakers). We wait in silence for inspired messages and speak them and listen to them. Our testimonies are Peace, Simplicity, Integrity, Justice, Community, Equality. We believe that there is that of God in everyone. We are truth seekers. We often take action on our beliefs. We are at 3201 Boston Harbor Road in Olympia.
Saturday, September 27 Report this
Annierae
New Life Baptist Church in Lacey.
Saturday, September 27 Report this
Annierae
A rich and humorous account from an anthropologist on Mars. Please visit New Life Baptist in Lacey and tell us about it. I'm considering going for the gospel music alone, if I can abide the firehose screaming of the pastor.
Saturday, September 27 Report this
BigShowCity
David,
God Bless
Monday, September 29 Report this
Chappellg
David, this was a delightful take on Christian houses of worship by a creative journalist who has never before experienced such houses. As one who was raised in Christianity but is now a member of your shul, I could identify with your experiences on your tour but have never read such original observations about these houses of worship.
Thank you!
Wednesday, October 1 Report this