ADVICE FROM A LEXIS

Developing friendships

Posted

Dear Lexis,

I’ve decided that I would like to make some new friendships but I don’t know how to go about it. I haven’t really had any close friends since high school and I miss having that dynamic, but I’m unsure where to go to start the process. I often find that I get exhausted after going out and trying to talk to people too. Any advice that could help?

Thanks,

-Seeking in Lacey

Dear Seeking, 

I understand your struggle. I’m an introvert, so it can be really difficult to motivate myself to leave the house and go out. Once I have friends, I’m all for hanging out and going out, but when I’m in a friendship slump, I’m usually more content to remain alone because it involves less work. 

That being said, if you’re looking for new relationships and you’ve determined that life would be more interesting in the company of others, there are certain truths that you will have to contend with. The primary one is that most people aren’t going to match you. 

I’m not saying that you can’t have a conversation with anyone you meet, although that is a skill in and of itself, but rather that you won’t necessarily want to develop long-term relationships with 80% of the people you meet. 

It’s this sifting phase that I find most challenging. There are at least a few conversations that go badly and those tend to sully all the other ones. But, keeping that in mind, the only way to find the right people is by talking to all the people that you meet. Although, some methods can help you sift a little bit easier via mutual interest. 

I recently joined a mommy-and-me group with my daughter, and so far, I haven’t had a bad conversation with anyone there. Why? Likely because we all have something in common. That doesn’t rule out the possibility of a bad experience, but it does give me something to discuss that the other person can relate to. 

Sure, you can go talk to someone in the grocery store, but you’re likely going to have less luck than if you meet someone at the gym, at a class, or in a seminar. Of course, these points of mutual interest only work if you actually enjoy going. Joining a bowling league won’t do you much good if you hate bowling. 

What groups you join is of little consequence, although I do recommend in-person over digital meetups. It’s nice to be able to invite your friends out to dinner, which is a bit more challenging if they live in a different state. You can certainly meet people digitally, one of my longest relationships has primarily been developed via digital meetings, but it can be difficult to cultivate meaningful conversation and shared experiences through a screen. 

Any way you look at it, these tips should give you a decent place to start developing new friendships. It may be exhausting and tiring at first when you aren’t seeing results, but if you continue to put in the effort, you will soon find the relationships you’re looking for. 

I hope this has been helpful to you and I wish you luck. 

~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.  Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com  

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