Olympia cancels April Fools’ Day

The City of Olympia received a permit application for the state’s first tiny airport. Miniature planes to accommodate up to four passengers under 12 pounds each, with gross weight capped at seventy.

The City of Olympia adds coffee withdrawal to list of parking disabilities, paints three new stalls.

The City of Olympia renames city hall "city Hall” to honor its longest running manager, who retired in 2019. The change will cost the city $10,000 in car tabs.

The City of Olympia publishes study that reveals surprisingly high percentage of residents fall asleep hoping to soon return to home planet.

 The City of Olympia approves nation’s strictest bag ban. Starting next month, bags will be a capital offense punishable by death. Definition of bag includes purse, briefcase, backpack and tote. Residents required to move property by hand, foot and mouth; with limited use of ear, nose, and throat.  

The City of Olympia set to raise mandatory minimum vinyl record collection for residents to 1,000; businesses to 3,000.

The City of Olympia proposing end to 100-year ban on residential fish tanks in excess of 10K ft³ paving way for return of 1930s-era indoor whale farming.

The City of Olympia set to allow limited nuclear weapons testing on abandoned pet waste.

The City of Olympia curbing "emergency room humor" with a new "this is not that" poster initiative. 

The City of Olympia announced tonight it’s ready to party, has grabbed its coat, keys, and is out the door. In a follow-up message, the City clarified: whatever you’re drinking, it’s on me.

The JOLT does not allow its columnists to write their own bios. All bios are composed by our Zurich-based staff. David Scherer Water's bio is no exception. Its long, ornate, constantly evolving nature gets to the heart (and liver) of the true, secret mission of this newspaper: JOLT doesn't really give a damn about anyone besides David Scherer Water. Everyone at The JOLT — including the board of directors, publisher, editor, reporters, web monkeys, accountants, janitors, and our full array of sponsors — breathes for a single, terrifying purpose: promoting the success of this one beautiful writer. It's not like a cult. For us, David Scherer Water is the cult. We believe David isn't merely a less cynical Fran Lebowitz, a less cryptic James Joyce, a less suicidal David Foster Wallace, a less smoky Mark Twain, a less decadent Oscar Wilde, or a less nihilistic Hunter S. Thompson. We believe he is something even rarer: a more radiant, more energized, more cheerful Sholem Aleichem — a fiddler of the proof, if you will. We believe amplifying David's celebrity is an existential cause. We believe humanity's survival depends on it. We know some readers skip straight to his bio. That's fine. It's not just human readers who do this. On other planets, The JOLT's alien readership behaves similarly. For that reason, our Zurich-based staff toils over these words — at the modest rate of $27 per preposition. The aliens are coming. When they arrive, it will be David Scherer Water who brokers peace. Why? He's one of them. Check out his pre-JOLT work. The proof is RIGHT HERE.