Dear Lexis,
I read your last article on unmet needs and I wanted to follow up with a question. What if your unmet needs can’t be met by just one person, what if you need additional people in order to feel fulfilled? Do you think polyamory is a viable option or do you tend to think monogamy is the way to go?
Thanks,
~ Curious
Dear Curious,
It’s an excellent question and one that I have considered on various occasions. I do actually think that a polyamorous relationship can work, as in it doesn’t need to cause strain or tension in your current relationship; however, I wonder if those in a polyamorous relationship are quite as happy as those in monogamous ones.
There’s something about making a permanent decision that frees the mind. Now, with one avenue of your life “taken care of” you remove your focus from that pursuit and find that you now have a lot more mental broadband to utilize. This is true in any avenue of life, but especially true in relationships given how much we think about them.
The two biggest avenues that affect how much mental focus you have available are relationships and career.
I personally can attest to how a lack of decision around a career can cause tension within you. I’ve always been drawn to spiritual teaching and fiction writing, and while the two could potentially fit together, the constant pull between whether to pursue one in the moment vs. the other has caused me no end of headaches and confusion. I cannot do both at the same time which means that one always takes precedence, but the constant need to pick between the two wastes way more time than necessary, and often ends with me not doing much of anything. It’s a kind of indecision paralysis.
Can someone be happy with this kind of constant frustration in their life? Sure, I tend to be a pretty happy person, however, I can say that my career is not much of a contributor to my happiness. Sometimes I wish I could just be happy working a 9 to 5 job like so many others out there, but for whatever reason, I can’t.
So, perhaps polyamory falls into a similar mentality. Those who are polyamorous may not feel like they can be happy in a monogamous relationship, but because they can’t, they may find themselves constantly having to choose between relationships. Given how challenging monogamous relationships already are, this battle to maintain and nurture multiple relationships could lead to any number of challenges and forms of stress that monogamous couples do not have to face quite as often.
Jealousy is a big one in this regard as well as communication issues. In a polyamorous relationship, the need to communicate your feelings and work through problem points is a must. If problems aren’t resolved, they fester and, over time, can lead to a bad breakup. Not only do you have to deal with this type of intense communication with one person, but multiple, or even many. The added potential for jealousy, or the feeling of abandonment, can cause significantly more of these issues to surface.
So, is it okay to be polyamorous? Sure, if that’s what you feel you need, however, keep in mind that added challenge you may be taking on. And while you may find joy in your relationships, consider the possibility that, overall, your inability to choose just one individual may not be a contributing factor to your overall happiness.
I hope this answers your question and brings you some clarity. Like anything else, being polyamorous has its challenges and if it’s a path you feel you must follow then feel free, but know what you’re potentially inviting into your life.
Best of luck,
~ Lexis
Alexis Baker writes from her home in Olympia. Write to her at Lexis@theJOLTnews.com
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