The gentle art of showing up

Glenn Harper

Gloria Towne | All Around Towne Photography

We come from the invisible, show up for a brief while, and return to the invisible. 

Many seniors say they feel invisible. We often feel self-conscious, as our birthday suits start to sag under the weight of so many birthdays. 

Deciding how we want to show up is at the core of the human experience. Not deciding how the world should turn, but how we show up in the face of constantly changing situations beyond our control to make the most of our time here. 

As in most art forms, balance is key. We may have the inclination to throw up our hands in the face of the futility of a finite, mortal existence, or we may try to maximize our time on Earth by trying to do everything, everywhere, all at once, leaving us spent with nothing left to give. 

We must find the middle ground between taking no care of oneself, and trying to micromanage life by creating Plans A, B, C and D all while taking on the troubles of everyone in the world. 

As we age, our options and choices dwindle. Roles that gave us purpose fall away, and many difficult challenges arise. In the face of consistently discouraging developments, one is tempted to just stop trying altogether. Learned helplessness is a psychological state where a person believes they have no control over their situation and stops trying to change it, even when an opportunity to escape or improve is available. (1) 

While we lose many choices along the way, the one choice that remains is how we react to unpleasant developments and disappointments. One way to react is with negative self-talk, blaming ourselves and others for the unpleasant reality. Some people’s entire conversational style is to list their many sources of dissatisfaction and the many ways people are disappointing. This can lead to isolation, adding one more thing to be dissatisfied about! 

To counteract negative self-talk, try doing an inventory of all the things for which you are grateful, not the least of which is to have had an opportunity to exist as a human being, an extremely rare miracle in the cosmos. Eventually, you will likely lose the ability to even get out of bed. Meanwhile, treasure all that remains to you: walking, driving, eating, talking, watching a sunrise, hugs, smiles, laughter, love and breathing. 

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.” - Melody Beattie (2) 

The opposite of learned helplessness might be showing up in a manner that eclipses other people. We all know people who are larger than life and try to be the center of attention at all times. 

Alice Roosevelt Longworth, the strong-willed daughter of President Theodore Roosevelt said, “(My father) always wanted to be the corpse at every funeral, the bride at every wedding and the baby at every christening.” 

Lots of people want to be a “star,” but we have all shown up in this world, so we are all living a story that is meant to be seen by someone. We talk about our “roles” in society and a person’s  “character” to describe how they show up in the drama of life. Few can be a big star, but we can all be “supporting actors.”

We are, at the same time, one another’s audience and ensemble cast members. May we perform our roles well as we walk in and out of our scenes with each other. May we be helpful fellow cast members if others flub their lines, or stumble upon their entrances or exits. May we fulfill our roles as faithful witnesses to one another with grace and gratitude until the final curtain falls. 

Coming up in the Elderhood: 

Elderhood Roundtable at Lacey Library - Tuesday, Oct. 27 at 1 p.m. Join us for socialization and conversation among elders and a special talk about “Death with Dignity,” or medical aid in dying by Sandra Pedersen of End of Life Washington at 2 p.m.. Click here for more info. 

Elderhood Roundtable at Tumwater Library – Wednesday, Oct. 28 at 1 p.m. In addition to our regular open and honest conversations about aging and life, we will be joined by Lucia Malo, of Funeral Alternatives of Washington, talking about various means of handling our bodily remains. Click here for more info. 

Glenn Harper provides support in aging and end of life. He is Chair of the Lewis-Mason-Thurston Area Agency on Aging Advisory Council and board member of the Senior Action Network. He facilitates several free Death Cafe and Elderhood Roundtable gatherings in the area where Elders are invited to talk about difficult topics in a nonjudgmental space. Learn more about these events here.