How to support husband who has ADHD?

Dear Lexis,

My husband has ADHD and has serious issues accomplishing tasks. Instead he assigns tasks to me to accomplish between my jobs. It has been extremely disheartening to constantly have work to do as he assigns me tasks and even more irritating when he insists that I do the tasks his way.

How can I support him in accomplishing tasks on his own and express to him that I do not have the energy or emotional strength to do all he asks of me.

          ~ Weary Wife

Dear Weary Wife,

Sounds like a very challenging situation. I’m glad that you’re not asking me to tell you how to get him to change, as that tends to be a recipe for even greater suffering. I do believe that your situation can improve. Here are four suggestions for you to consider.

The first suggestion would be to encourage your husband to start a meditation practice; many adults with ADHD say they benefit from it. My guess is that he struggles with feelings of insecurity or feels out of control in his life. Both of these emotions are often debilitating and both can be helped by meditation. My husband and I recently started to practice meditation together. If your husband is amenable, partnered meditation might help keep you both on track.

However, if you aren’t particularly interested in making such a commitment (understandable given that you appear to have multiple jobs), there are three other things you can try.

1. Boundaries

Setting up boundaries can be particularly beneficial to you right now. Feeling disheartened and overwhelmed, you already have a lot of stuff to deal with. You can express your need for boundaries with words like: “I’m not prepared to risk my own physical health by continuing to dedicate more of myself to these tasks” or “I am unwilling to complete these tasks when I’m already feeling overwhelmed”.

Whatever you choose to say, try to avoid the words “I can’t”, “I’m unable”, etc. as these words disempower you further. Recognize that you are setting up boundaries for the sake of your own health and the sake of your relationship and don’t feel guilty about expressing your need for time off.

As far as setting boundaries goes, at this point I would recommend going extreme over lenient. There are shockingly few things that absolutely have to be done and those are eating, sleeping, and work (as it’s the means of keeping shelter over your head). Everything else can wait if it has to. Doctor appointments can be rescheduled, meetings can be moved, and the dishes won’t evaporate if they sit in the sink one more day.

Take care of you first. Add the wish list later.

2. Lists

Encouraging your husband to handle these stressor tasks could definitely help, but keep in mind that you can’t force someone to change. My guess is that he doesn’t feel capable of accomplishing these tasks primarily because he doesn’t know where to start. I tend to go into a room and just grab whatever I see first, when cleaning, but most people feel more comfortable with a plan. Ask him if he’d like help. Offer to make lists or break tasks into smaller chunks. Sort through one box, clean one type of dish, keep it simple.

Something that can also help this endeavor is compliments and appreciation. I find that a lot of men really want to hear the words “I’m proud of you”, those words can embolden them and make them feel capable and strong. I know that it doesn’t seem like you should have to compliment someone on doing tasks that should have been done anyway but, if it means you don’t have to do the task, what’s the harm?

3. Say no

This concept applies primarily to tasks you’re being assigned. While it may not feel like it, and while you may not want to confront the situation, you do have the right to say no.

You don’t have to be mean, you don’t have to justify it, and you don’t have to feel guilty. It is not your job to make someone else happy, that’s their job; it’s your job to be the best version of yourself.

I often think of Phoebe from the show Friends when I discuss this concept: Ross asks if she will help him move and she says, “I would, but I don’t want to”. It’s hard to argue with that, so let your “no” be simple and straightforward too. My favorite phrase is “I’m not prepared to do that” or “I’m not prepared to do that right now”.

Any of these changes could drastically improve the situation when applied with care and understanding. Whatever you choose to do though, I hope you keep in mind that it’s okay for you to feel taken care of. You can only give the best of yourself to another when you are at your best.

I wish you ease and peace,

          ~Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Baker, who writes from her home in Olympia.  What would you like to ask her to comment about?  Write to her at Lexis@theJOLTnews.com