How to bring out the best in people

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Lexis,

How do I bring out the best in the people around me?

Thanks,

         ~ Looking for a change in Olympia

Dear Looking, 

That is an excellent question and one that can be highly contentious.

I’m of the mind that you can only bring out the best in people by allowing and expecting the best from them – by trusting in them.

This can be a challenging concept, especially when considering the worst examples in society. Is it okay to give future Hitlers the benefit of the doubt? So, for the sake of demonstrating this concept, I’m going to propose a scenario. 

Someone commented on a post in the past about a child they came across one day. The child was very young, under 5, and yet had a strong desire to destroy humanity. Many would say that this child was innately evil. Personally, I would argue that you cannot know what has happened in that child’s life, therefore you cannot say whether it’s a born trait or the result of a negative experience. For the sake of this scenario, let’s assume that the child is innately evil.

So, you have a 5-year-old child who wants to destroy humanity, what are you supposed to do with that?

Now, if you could look into the future and see that this child grows up and becomes a serial killer, the logical answer would be the kill the child. But is it okay to kill a young child? No, it’s not.

So, if killing the child is off the table, what options are you left with? To control or educate as you try to change this strange perspective.

If you choose to control the child, what happens? You ensure the child always has supervision, keep him indoors and away from the people he can potentially harm, and surround him with fluffy stuffed animals, soothing music, and positive messages. The problem is that while this is a nice prison, it’s still a prison. Recognizing that his parents don’t trust him, and believe him to be a bad person, the child will likely continue down the same path. Everyone is confirming his badness, so either he is bad or everyone else is bad. Does this change his mind at all? Probably not.

Education is undoubtedly a better option, but there are two brands of education: memorization (teaching someone what they should know) and personal understanding (figuring out together what makes the most sense). Most school education falls into the first category. Study the material and regurgitate for the test, but what we’re looking for in this scenario is the second type. 

We first need to figure out why this child believes that the world is a bad place, why people are bad, and why the solution is to destroy humanity. Not necessarily fun topics, but by trying to understand where this little boy is coming from, we’re simultaneously giving him the benefit of the doubt and opening the door to genuine discussion.

You’re saying, “I understand that you have a right to your opinion, and I would appreciate it if you could explain it to me.” 

No longer in the line of attack, the child is more likely to open up. And, once a mind is open, if trust is maintained, both people deepen their understanding of the world, of the other, and of the bigger picture. 

The benefits of positive beliefs, in my experience, always outweigh the benefits of negative beliefs. So, a child born evil and thinks the world should be ended is far more likely to shift his perspective than someone who believes that all humans are good and trying to do their best. (For one thing, the first perspective is more likely to land you in prison or a mental institution. The second will only land you with comments about your own “naivete”). 

Will this approach guarantee a healthier, less psychotic child? No, but is it more likely to shift that child away from the dark side? Yes. 

This kind of approach requires someone of immense emotional and developmental strength; it requires someone to be willing to look at the darkest corners of the world and understand why they exist. It’s not an easy path to walk down, so I understand why few people do. That being said, it is the best approach to shifting someone away from a darker path. 

In other words, the only way to help that child embrace a different mentality is by believing that he can and wants to. You have to trust him to move toward the good, even knowing he could stab you in the back (perhaps even literally). Only through trust can he improve, and the same goes for anyone else. Trust is a powerful tool. 

Thanks for the question.

          ~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.  Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

EDITOR'S NOTE:  The opinions expressed above are those of Alexis Rae Bake and not necessarily of The JOLT or its staff or board of directors.